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Nov 17, 2004
i got so mad last night or early this mornin becuz my gurl callz and she said she was just callin to tell me that she loved me..she was gettin off tha phone with me but we sleep together on tha phone just about every night..i asked her why, she wudnt answer me (when people do that that makes me so mad) i ask her was it that someone wanted to be on the phone with her and she still wudnt answer me. She kept avoidin my question, i took that as a yes and i asked who? and i already knew but wen she said the personz name i just burned with hate...thatz what we do,sleep on tha phone. I thought that was special but i guess itz not cuz itz done with otha people. i guess i think differently than other people about wat iz special..but i ended up writing a poem (which isnt my best i wud say but it'l do) and i call it "affected by your name"....
A personal animosity
for you,
growz inside of me
my body burnz with hate
everytime i hear your name
You almost took away my love
the person i hold dear
with just a name,
you brought out so much fear
I hate you for that
even though i dont know you
I thought i cud wash my handz
and be over you
Your name has the power
to bring on so many bad thoughtz,
they come and they come
but they just wont stop
Your name has the ability to break me
even when i try to be strong
If i was to find you and hurt you,
i know i'd be wrong
Even though
i thought then i'd be okay
I see now...
i'm still affected by your name
Posted at 10:48 am by pisCes-dreamin
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Nov 12, 2004
wow itz been a good lil minute since ive written a new entry...dang but i just didnt have anything to say or i have but didnt really know how to put it. Anyway, everything is cool i guess..school is stressing, tiredness kickin in and my lil lack of communication lately is a problem. I just havent had anything to say to anyone really for some reason. itz mostly phone conversationz im having a problem with. My baby feelz that tha relationship iz going to fail or that itz not goin to work if i cant communicate or if i dont put in a lil more effort. Iunno why i have nothing to say,im just so tired and my mind just wantz to rest. If she was in person it wudnt be so difficult fa me cuz i can talk almost non-stop in person..but im not and eva since tha arguement we had a couple dayz ago i have been on mute. Ive never argued with her like that and i got so mad at her (it was a feeling ive never really felt towardz her before) i got so mad i wanted to hit somebody...no not her but damn. i want to talk to her..maybe im bein affected by everything im goin thru right now..i feel like i give and i give and people just take and take and dont give back. i feel everybody expectz so much from me and i feel i may not be able do it all. it showz thru no matter how hard i try to conceal it behind a smile. i dont want my relationship to fail becuz i cant find any thing to say...also im irritated at tha fact that it seemz that her otha phone friendz find out watz wrong with her before i do and wen i ask she doesnt tell me. She also does this thing where she bringz something up and talkz about it and i have no clue wat shez talkin about and she sayz "oh i didnt tell u about so and so.." no she hasnt but sean knowz and whoever else and iunn like that. I figure this all has to do with my lil communication problem but iunno but yea until next time.....
Posted at 11:18 am by pisCes-dreamin
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wow itz been a good lil minute since ive written a new entry...dang but i just didnt have anything to say or i have but didnt really know how to put it. Anyway, everything is cool i guess..school is stressing, tiredness kickin in and my lil lack of communication lately
Posted at 11:18 am by pisCes-dreamin
Sep 13, 2004
Yo i need somebody to tell me if i went about a situation the wrong way, last night. See my mother was kinda talkin to this gentlemen (thas not wat i wud really call him) but she alwayz avoidz phone convo'z with him so we,meanin me and my sister alwayz have to come up with something (watz a nicer term for lies)...letz say it like this, reasonz why she cant come to the phone. I didnt like the idea in the first place that another man liked her becuz im not used to another man being around. I have alwayz worried that if a man was to come into our lives then me and my sister wudnt get as much attention becuz itz only been us three fa like forever.well anyway i think the dude is grimey, nasty, dirty, just no good. He shady and iunn like that 'specially fa my mother becuz thas all she'z had in her life fareal (im talkin about my damn daddy too!). He only callz to ask if she wanna come to his house and the answer is alwayz no (well when we aint around) cuz my sister wud have a fit if she said yes, instead of to take her out fa sumtn simple like a movie or to eat, to the club, you know sumtn like that. that makes me mad fareal cuz my mama aint no booty call ya hear me!!! You think somebody who is 46 or sumtn wud have sum knowledge of how to go about this in the right way....man if only people cud do it like i do (smilin) naw lemme stop. Like i said last night he called,he asked to speak to my mother,i said no and he asked why i was so mean like i was playin (which i wasnt) and i told him just becuz...then i told him up front that i didnt like him and basically wat i listed above and he was like "why?" and i didnt want to get into detail and he was like tell me so i did. i was real and i told him about stuff he thought i didnt know then basically called my mother a liar. Hell i wasnt havin that and i kept hangin up on him (he kept callin back) then he told me i didnt know shit becuz i refused to explain anymore plus his ass was already lyin...i cant stand grimey ass liarz!!! then i cussed that nigga out then hung up once again it took awhile fa him to stop callin but i hope he the message that he dont need to call anymore. Shoot u'd think somebody wud get the hint by now but what can u do he aint got ant sense obviously. Tell me was i wrong?
Posted at 11:13 am by pisCes-dreamin
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Sep 9, 2004
First, i made it thru the hurricane and i got my power back on the next day. it actually changed course and all we got was sum wind and rain...but therez another one headed in the same direction as the first one, named ivan. Wow i really think that we've done sumtn wrong cuz thas three but hopefully ivan'll just POOF!!! disappear but wat iz the chance of that happening?
I have a question...if u count the amount of time itz takez for your gurl to call u back and u have it down to the second,is that obsessed? i mean wat if u were able to give a time like 26 min. and 25 sec. wud that weird alot of people out? i did that like a day or two ago and she told me that that'z obsessed and that that meanz i have too much time on my handz. Well i dont really do anything and i didnt have anything to do at the time so....it was like 11 at night and i was on the phone with her. i just like numberz,well i like to calculate periodz of time. it fascinates me if i can figure out the exact amount of something fareal and plus i wanted to see how long i cud actually sit there and keep track. See id understand if i was doin it all the time like that, then yea thas really obsessed but i was just doin somethin to pass the time by, ya feel me? if ive weirded out anyone please let me know fareal cuz... iunno. Baby just take that as a sign that i missed u (smilin) im not obsessed i just love u alot
"kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless" -Mother Teresa, i came across that quote in my school planner and it caught my attention. I try to speak kind wordz alwayz [to people] becuz i know thatz wat they remember about you. Lately ive been complimentin my gurl and tellin her lil sweet thingz here and there (they're true) becuz i know they make her feel good and i know she smilez on the inside if it doesnt show on her face. I do that becuz i believe itz true watever i do say and that it showz that i love her.... enough to compliment her on the thingz i do love about her but i wanna end this on a real sweet note so....Denise, baby i love u with all of my heart and i alwayz will (smilin)
Posted at 12:12 pm by pisCes-dreamin
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Sep 2, 2004
dang i really need to keep track of this blog cuz my last entry was Aug. 9 and itz Sept. 1. itz been a good lil minute, like alwayz,fareal. iunno why i cant seem to find the time to do it... but hold up thatz not it really it, everytime i get in front of a computer to write in this thing i dont know what to write cuz my mind goes blank. I aint got anything really exciting to say. i thought maybe i cud put one of my hidden-never before seen-by human eyez' poems. i dont really have too much confidence in what i write so i dont bother to share but i guess i can break u off a lil of what i write...some otha time. (smilin)
Ay iunno if u heard about tha hurricane Frances but itz headed fa florida mannnn!! thas two in 3 weekz. Why oh why must it come thru here? im startin to think we've done sumthin wrong fareal. see if it was goin thru another part of florida it'd be a lil betta,well fa me,but itz goin thru central florida...umm..thas where im at so do u see where the problem layz? yea so that meanz no power, i gotta sit in a hot house,no lightz and eatin food from canz if i dont go out to eat. ay but dont let me complain cuz i got my life and i love my life,plus i wanna be here to love my fam and u know who,my baby. i alwayz think "wat wud happen to her,how wud that effect her?" also therez thingz that i want to do with her and do in my life, i cudnt see not doin any of it. Hopefully everything'll be alright.
this last lil part is for my baby...I Love You Baby (smilin) come on and smile with me,u know u want to. i just wanna remind you that ure real special to me and life wudnt be as good without u...ima marry u one day yea i REALLLLY WANNA be your wife and walk with u on the path to forever...im so in love with u boo
Posted at 11:10 am by pisCes-dreamin
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Aug 9, 2004
Heyyy (smiliin), itz been a min but you know i never can find time to write an entry soooo......yea i have a smile on my face and everything is good or good enough at this point. All the drama and stress iz all behind me now....i aint thinkin bout it cuz itz done with. My baby and I, we're fine everything worked itz self out. THANK GOD for patience and hope cuz i sure did need it. Im tired of writtin sad,depressing,dramatic mess cuz thas all that ive put in every blog so far so letz turn this around iight.
today is my first day back to school and itz iight but im not sure im ready. Well it dont necessarilly matter if im ready or not cuz i gotta go regardless...the law, my mother, and my gurl say so lol. Anyway, this year i plan on provin to everyone that im a good student and that the grades i recieved last year were so below me. I have so much more to give,becuz i know i didnt give my all. I dont want to make myself out to be a bragger but i used to get str8 "A's" all the time since i can remember. So tell me how u go from that to D's and F's? Yea so...anyway even though school just started itz tiring cuz i be tired fareal and we aint even doin anything right now but so payin attention is tiring lol naw lemme stop. i guess i just got to get back on track,you know gettin up at the same time every morning,doin hella school work, comin home not havin too much time fa my self... Stressing and Worrying over grades and projectz and passin...-sighz- well watevah it'll all be over sooner or later.
Ay yo I need to go shoppin and get hooked up fareal,i need sum new attire,i need to to get my hair done... i need a lot yall fareal. Speakin of "need" i needa have my job put me on tha schedue more so i can have sum more spendin money and so i can save up cuz i neva did get to go see my gurl. Man thas upseting cuz i gotta wait till christmas break :-( but i promise this time ima be there...I PROMISE baby fareal cuz ima start savin my money now so i aint got no excuses. I LOVE YOU DENISE!!! (smilin) Baby you are amazin gurrrl...but im out cuz i gotta go back to class but until next time.....
Posted at 11:12 am by pisCes-dreamin
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Jul 19, 2004
hmm...itz been a minute since ive written an entry and thatz a shame cuz ive only written how many... wat like two. lol no itz exactly two. see i never can keep up with stuff like this,i leave that to the pro'z. My gurl said im alwayz leavin sumtn fa sumbody and thas right. I leave thingz to the ppl who i know can do it better,shoot thas ok. im fine with that. Anyway alot has been goin on since my last entry,i mean hella problemz just stackin up at my door one after the other. if it aint one thing itz another. Life only getz harder and harder i come to find out as i get older. Stuff aint easy and thingz u want arent easy to come by,oh yes i know this fa sho. i wish i cud just close my eyez and open them again and everything that i dont want to deal with wud be gone. Stuff like:
the mess wit my baby and her "Secret" (thatz wat she callz her). thatz an uncomfortable..no unpleasant situation to be in and im pretty sure for the both of us.We've discussed this and talked over the situation but i still have thoughtz runnin thru my mind about this *ish fareal. i dont understand quite a few thingz with this picture. I was talkin to one of my friendz online and they told me she thinkz that my baby iz cheatin on me,so i thought there a moment and i wanted to tell her to shut up,but i kept listenin and itz like itz opened up a wound and itz fresh. Im feelin wat i felt wen it was first goin on all of a sudden. i dont think she'z cheatin and i wouldnt want to think that cuz that hurtz to even consider fareal. She hasnt given me any reason not to trust her so i believe wat she sayz. I just wish she didnt have feelingz for that gurl and vice versa. How cud sumtn like this take place...you know how you blame sumbody when you shud be blaming sumbody else. i dislike that gurl and i dont even know her and thatz crazy. i blame her for all of this and im probably wrong for doin so. Sumbody shud have stopped it before it got this far,and my friendz say my gurl shud have,but iunn wanna see it that way. I can just blame it all on the gurl right?
have you ever loved sumone so much that you wud change everything about yourself just to make them happy. loved them so much that you wud do ANYTHING for them. Im talkin 'bout doin everything you wudnt do for love... from this individual. Well I love Denise so much i wud do anything she told me just to make her happy. She is my everything fareal and i cudnt see a life without her. I dont want to live without her, but i fear sumtimez, what cud be. She iz in Virginia and im...well im here in Florida and that just makez thingz hard. we got till she getz out of school to see eachother how we want to and thatz two yearz away. I fear the path to get to two years from now. i mean if you really think about it,thatz a long period of time,well too long anyway. Sumtn cud go wrong,we cud get lost sumwhere,feelingz (on her part) cud change and we might not see the day wen we'll get to be/live together. I like to stay positive (and it aint hard cuz i control what i want to feel) about this distance thing but ya know thoughtz such as these pop up. Yes itz a fact i gotta live with; that therez a few statez between us but nothin can come between the love i have for her...im so close to her but yet so far. Baby i love you and tha amount of love i have for you is unsurmountable,u cant calculate how much and i will alwayz,let me repeat...alwayz luv you.
hmm...i got other stuff thatz been on my mind but ill make this last paragragh or these paragraghs short iight to give you a break. Ive been thinkin that i need to start plannin my future outside my social life and get *ish straight before itz too late. I need to get involved with as much as i can revolving around what i want or wud like to do fareal cuz itz too late when you graduate to decide "oh well i wanna to do....". I plan to get paid a grip fa what i do,i cant afford to be a nobody just makin it day by day. iunn want to have to struggle and i want my kidz or family to have what i didnt have or have what they dont have now. i think i might get into acting or music production...sumtn in the entertainment business cuz i like to put on showz fa people and i think i can be successful in sumtn like that. for all the people who know me "wat do yall think?" Well anyway im tired and im pretty sure ive done talked about sh*t you aint interested in, so, Until next time....
Posted at 06:51 pm by pisCes-dreamin
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Jun 28, 2004
man can i count on anything to go my way? heck naw!!! i expect sumtn to happen but it dont eva go that way which is uff'd up if u ask me. Do I ask fa too much? i mean when i REALLY want sumtn to happen tha way i plan it,it dont eva get done that way. i kno u dont alwayz get wat chu want but dang can i just have sumtn go as planned. i aint askin fa miraclez or a pot of gold....i..i just want simple thingz ya kno? i just want to go see my baby really but a bigger house/place wud be nice ya kno? i planned on seein her a while back ago but thingz were preventin me to do so... AND STILL ARE!!!
yo itz really playin wit my emotionz fareal. ima get there but not when i want. -Baby i promise i will be there- my mama was suppose to get this money but cant right now iunno when she'll be able to get it but if it aint soon ima thow a FREAKIN FIT!!! im really tired of this delayin my trip mess...but i understand that we got other thingz to pay right now and that i need to wait. i try not to think negative cuz that aint me fareal,but i feel like im so close to seein her but im so far from it. i just wanna reach out and feel her there,i wanna be where she iz. Sumbody can i feel me? i feel like cryin cuz i dont wanna be disappointed. i dont wanna have that feelin of disapointment from not bein able to see her.
i love her so much and i want to be able to show her simply by giving her a hug or a kiss...sumthin.
my mama talkz about buyin a house...iunn mean to discourage but i aint tryin to get my hopez too high. i mean i dont care for a house becuz an apartment iz just fine.itz my sister who iz gettin all excited over tha idea. i dont waana doubt my mama and her ability to get us a house but ive learned to never expect to much. Maybe im wrong fa thinkin that way, but ive had important ppl in my life let me down TOO many timez fareal. I mean tha only one that im really talkin about iz my daddy (cuz hez not my father). u cant count on him at all...u never kno when to....he suprises me though- sumtimez. i wanna get excited but i dont let myself,i dont wanna be disapointed (again with that word)
i dislike that feelin so much and im pretty sure im not tha only one.
baby where are u? im missin u like crazy. why must u do this to me? i cant stand tha feeling of u not bein there,just a voice away....i wanna cry. i wonder what shez doin at this time. im surprised she hasnt answered my IM'z. Yo im trippin out fareal. i need to hear her voice. i need her to calm my nerves;talk to me in her soft sweet tone and let me know that she loves me. Do i sound needy? i dont mean to if i do. i just miss her BAD. Can sumbody tell me where my baby iz? PLEEEASE?
ive been havin alot of mess on mind but i dont show it much....ive been thinkin about tha chicz likin my baby. i mean itz coo that they wanna talk to her but they alwayz want to be more than just her friend. i understand why, i mean i am with her. i try not to think about them tryna get with it but i seem to every once ina blue moon. i just want her fa myself. itz like im bein stingy...IM NOT STINGY!!! Itz coo wit this one chic but sumtimez i let myself think about *ish too hard and i realize that iunno what tha chic be sayin to my gurl. it better not be anything iun like fareal. naw lemme stop but i wud never have the nerve to ask what i dont know..I mean is it really my business to know? my gurl sayz it iz but is it really? Baby i know that that might bother u cuz i wont ask what i dont know but im just...iunno baby fareal. im not trippin offah that gurl talkin to u itz just my thoughtz just take over;i cant stop them even though i try. im not worried u cheatin or anything like that cuz i know u love me; i kno u wudnt hurt like that but...I MISS U DENISE!!!
Posted at 08:09 pm by pisCes-dreamin
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Jun 23, 2004
well...where do i start? this is suppose to be like a journal,but like any journal ive ever had
ill just neglect and abandon this here keeper as time goes by. Keeper of all true feelingz
and thoughtz. I'll never put how i really feel so therefore ill be dishonest. Yea to tha one
thing thatz suppose to keep thingz like that. Naw ill put how i feel but probably wen i get
mad and need to be heard. Oh yes ill be heard but this is only where ill ever say wat i feel
jus off the tha top. I gotta start gettin in tha habit to say wat i feel wen i feel it regardless of wat anybody else thinkz but thatz neva been me. Iunno.... wat am i afraid of? i kno, im
afraid of otherz opinion. Im too worried about wat sumbody wud think and wat negative
comment that might shoot out theyre mouth. Well it aint like that here where i cant see the the ppl who might comment so itz all good. Thatz not right for my gurl though,she has tharight to kno watz on my mind or how im feelin wen i feel it. communication is important to her,i shud give her wat she wantz i mean i want to know everything so this needz to bea mutual thang. I love her so much. I cud never express how much. She'z my world,my everything. Without her i dont kno if my life wud be tha way it iz now. Of course it wouldnt,shez so wonderful and she makez me feel like ive never felt before no lie. Since the first time i talked to her i knew she had to be mine. Shez wat ive been searchin for. i try put heron tha highest pedestal becuz thatz where she deserves to be. I Love U Denise, With all of my heart and i will alwayz love u as long as im still breathing. Even after that (smilin)...but anyway shez tha one who got me one of these on here so thank u baby. U shud check her out if u havent already shez xplicit-linez but yea ima be out cuz my wordz are running short
and i think this is a good start for my first entry so until next time....
Posted at 05:51 pm by pisCes-dreamin
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